Uncouth PerspectivesNot on the rug, man.

I stopped writing in my journal. I find this website much more of an outlet. The problem with that is that I no longer get out my crazy side onto the paper.

I need to use my journal again.

Today was a bad day. Maybe more of a unexpectedly rotten day.

For those who actually read this (I know there are one or two of you out there!) I do not think this is going to be much a rant. In fact, I can guarantee it. This is definitely going to be a introspective ramble. So, if you do not want to read an introspective ramble, I would stop reading.

It hurts me to see the people I care about have low self worth. They exhibit it in many ways. I care deeply about my friends, in fact about people in general, and when those I care about, people I know who are good people, talk about how rotten they are and how they are going to go anti-social because they are not a good person, it really upsets me. I think the proof in being a good person is that realization that the things you do CAN hurt other people and a willingness to try and change. Whatever.

Also, friends who get defensive when you talk to them. I can talk to some of my friends in a positive manner as much as I want. I can speak critically of other people and other things and I will get praised for ability at objectivity and my ability to get to the core of a problem and find a solution. And then when I try and talk to them about something, I get ridiculed and verbally abused. Everyone will get defensive to a certain extent, sure, but there is a limit. Especially when the person who is trying to HELP is a person who is reknown for their ability to think critically, objectively, and solution-oriented. I may not always be right, but when I say something I tend to not just be blowing smoke.

And people who do not say hello back still piss me off.
I think my day was “rotten” because it actually had a lot of highs and lows. Something really good happened. Something really bad happened. Something really good happened. Something really bad happened. And on and on and on.

I think I am also feeling particularly lonely tonight. Not just in a “I don’t have a partner/girlfriend/whatever” sort of way, but also in a “I need someone to sit over hot chocolate or coffee and talk with.”

I finally started reading The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy after all these years. I finished the first book. What the HELL was I thinking waiting this long?!

At least I can say I’m still happy. Being happy does not mean you do not have lows. It actually makes the lows more important.

I just finished watching the movie Gladiator with Travis.

I must say that I really enjoy this movie. It has great action, fun, direction, acting, cinematography–and it makes you think.

There are a lot of themes presented in the movie, but I’m only going to go into one insight. There is a lot of talk in the movie about the after-life. About being with people who have passed away after you die. In thinking about this, I got upset again.

If there is something else after life, if there is this great heaven, nirvana, or whatever, why are we living right now? If life is so terrible, what bother at all? What makes what is going on now important at all, if when you die you see everybody anyways?

Because of ideas like an afterlife/heaven/etc, people stop living in today. They stop worrying about what is going on, because everything becomes about tomorrow, about “after” death. Even if there is an afterlife (which, to make it clear, I do not believe in), or even if you just believe in an afterlife, there is no reason to stop living today. But, this is what people do. People stop trying to be happy, people basically give up on life, because there is really no point if it’s not the end. Why enjoy yourself (in this “oh so evil, evil” world) or why try to actually work or make an accomplishment (“Do work to have pride in? Not for me, thanks, I’m going to worry about what happens when I die…” try the fact that you will die) when life is just a stepping stone to another “plane of existence.”

It has been argued with me about people needing something to look forward to, to keep them going, something to believe or have faith in.

Believe in life. Have faith in life. Look forward to life.

LIVE.

I’m reading this article in my school’s newspaper (Orange Coast College’s Coast Report) on safety and lighting concerns. The article tells that the school has received a lot of complaints about the lighting and, now, the campus is deciding to do something about it. They have a brilliant plan. They are going to conduct a study. Everyone look out!

My assumption about this sudden concern for the lighting (and safety) is the recent re-hashing of school killings and shootings (at least, one’s that we hear about). So, some kids get shot in San Diego and the lights get turned up at my school. Now we are using our heads! While we are at it, maybe we can even fill in some pot holes! The whole school might even be safe!

Okay, let’s get down to the point. The school has been doing remodeling and they neglected to re-do the night time lighting as part of the plan, not including, of course, the regular maintenance they have not been doing. Now everyone is in an uproar because “school’s aren’t safe.” People getting shot/killed/hurt/robbed/etc at school is not the problem. It is a symptom.

It’s not the school that is not safe, it’s the people that are not safe. The killings are a symptom of the lack of self worth that our society breeds. We do not allow people to love themselves, we abuse each other (whether physical, verbal, emotional, monetary, etc), there are very few healthy outlets and people to turn to (Don’t cry religion at me, they’ll just tell you that you are the problem and you need to find an external source to help you out)… and then we wonder why a 15 year old kid will shoot people. Because we bred him to do it. We allowed him to get picked on in school. We allowed him to be misparented and abused. We allowed him to not have healthy outlets for his aggression. And we allowed him to externalize his blame.

Of course, it was the music! No, it was the movies! No, it was the books! No, it was the media! No, it was this damn philosophy stuff!

…No, it was people.

The situation needs to be called it’s real name–a symptom. Not a problem. The music is not the problem. Lighting is not the problem. The systems that allows for an externalized system of self worth and accountability… one that says the person is important, BUT DO NOT LOVE YOURSELF. One that says you are born an evil person and there is nothing -you- can do about it, but if you go to someone else you can be freed.

It’s time we stop and live in the real world and focus on the real problems. And let’s not jump and react only when there are problems. Use reason and have the problems solved by not letting them become problems.

Fixing the broken lights would help, too.

I hate being stood up. There are very few things I hate more in human relations. And I’m not talking about a date type scenario. I’m talking about two or more friends/associates/whatever meeting at a specific time and a specific place. Being stood up is when one or more people do not show up at the arranged time or place due to controllable circumstances without communication.

I was supposed to go to Knott’s Berry Farm today with my friend and coworker. We had planned on meeting at my store at 2:45 pm and leave at 3. Normally I get off at 6, so I made special arrangements to leave early. To be safe, I tried to call her cell phone at 11:30 am. No answer. I called again at 1:30. No answer. Again at 2:30. No answer. I called before I left for home at 3. I left a message every time.

I get home and find out that the phone has been disconnected by the phone company. I expect because the bill was not paid. Why was it not paid? Don’t ask me, my roommates pays all of the bills, I merely give her the money. Hmmmm.

My other roommate delivers a note for me, left by the person I was supposed to go to Knott’s with, after I got back from going out and watching the movie 3000 Miles to Graceland (don’t get me started on that one!) with Travis. She was having white streaks put in her hair. She also did not try to call me until after 4pm.

Here is the point to all of this… it’s a little misused and misunderstood word called COMMUNICATION. I’m going to give you a little secret to human relations that will make a lot of things clear and easy:

Communication is not a lie.

Yes, it’s true. If you communicate, people will listen. More importantly, we can all work together.

You see, if she had called in the morning and said “Hey, Isaac, I am getting my hair done today and it might run a little over…” that would have been a different story. If she had called with any sort of a warning. But, no, instead I get to sit and wonder what is going on. And this mess with the phone getting disconnected. Phone’s do not get magically turned off. And they do not get turned off without warning. If the bill is not getting paid, if something is wrong, I thing I should be entitled to know about it. Even a “Hey, the phone company said they are turning off the phone in two days…” No matter what the reason. If the bill did not get paid, I’m not going to get upset. Not in the least. Let’s just get it paid. Now, having the phone get shut off. That upsets me greatly. I use the phone quite a bit and it is not okay for me to be in the dark about something like that.

I suppose I am more “venting” than “ranting” and more “babbling” than “speaking” but communication is very important. The small stuff is very important. Meeting your commitments is very important. I understand that people make mistakes. Things get misscheduled, bills do not get paid, whatever, y’know? Just let me know. And I’ll do the same.

� Do you allow the system to control you or do you control the system?

� Do you control the system or do you create the system?

� Do you create the system or do you destroy the system?

� Do you do both?

Or… do you live?

I’m going to take an official www.Uncouth.net stance on the issue of anti-depressant drugs. First, I want to stipulate that there are people who really need this medicine. There are people who actually have chemical problems and can be aided by the use of a “rebalancer.”

I doubt that number is very large.

I was talking with an online friend this evening and she was telling me about a conflict with her parents (she is 16, but we can say “almost” 17 for arguments sake). They are upset because they took her to a psychologist and she was diagnosed with clinical depression and was given this Zoloft to “cure” it. (I do hope that it was a Psychiatrist the actually prescribed it, ’cause Psychologist can’t prescribe medicine).

I do not know this girl very well, but from what I have seen, if she is clinically depressed, she hides it very well from me. In fact, she seems very upbeat, intelligent, and a lot of fun. Online “looks” can be deceiving, but I’ve been talking to people online for about 8 years (yup, back in the day of BBS’s) and I’ve gotten a good knack for figuring out the real person. And this girl is smart. She is creative. She does not need to be affected and altered by a drug.

Anyways, about our stance. Mind altering drugs are not necessary. Clinical depression is way over diagnosed. I cannot count the number of people I know who are “clinically” depressed. Or maybe just suffering from a lack of happiness? Maybe a dose of self worth is necessary instead!

This quick fix orientation our society has developed is infuriating. Instead of attacking at the problem, the person’s self worth, we attack the by product, the depression. We do not look enough at the influences on the self worth: beliefs, values, education, religion, parenting, etc. What CAUSED this depression?

“Oh, the problem can’t be _my_ little girl! It has to be something that she cannot control! It’s got to be the chemicals in her head, something outside of her. Don’t look at me, I’m only the parent, I’m not responsible for her upbringing. I’m not responsible for her, just like she is not responsible for her depression.”

The focus needs to shift from blaming something, from looking outside for answers, to seeking solutions. Let’s not worry about the fact that people are depressed (or, could it be, that they do not fit into the little paradigm the parents or society has set aside for them?), but rather what the causes are–causes that are internal and actually fixable through the wonderful, conceptual, human, tool of reason.

People do not love or appreciate themselves (or others…). They do not have self confidence and the ability to deal with each other in a truly social way. One way I can justify this is in what I call “The difficulty of hello.”

I love to meet people. New people excite me and give me someone new to rant and babble at. New people give me new perspectives on not only their ideas, beliefs, and values, but on my own as well. There is also very few things I consider as fun as actually going up and meeting strangers. But, few people share my perceptions… and even fewer like to be at the brunt of it.

I love when people respond eagerly, but most do not. I’ve gotten surprise. I’ve gotten disdain. I’ve gotten the people who react as if I’m hitting on them (as a side note, why do people who have a lot of self confidence or self worth either get hit on a lot or people think that the person is hitting on them a lot?)…

I think the one that upsets me the most, though, is being ignored. First, I’m 6’5″ and I’m not exactly usual in my approach, so it is not like they didn’t notice.

“Oh, I must have just heard something that only sounded like the giant standing next to me looking like he wants a response…”

Or, when I’m being ignored, it is accompanied by a look of disgust or contempt. Oh yeah, please forgive me for being a HUMAN BEING and wanting to COMMUNICATE. How dare I violate you precious space and existence by saying hello?! Perhaps I should have even just dropped to ground and gone fetal to celebrate your mere essence! Should I grovel and clean your shoes while I’m busy shoving my friendly greeting in a place where you shouldn’t put those things?

People also will ignore you when they have low self confidence (actually, I would argue that those who are contemptuous are the worst for having low self confidence), but instead of facing themselves and talking to someone who greets them, they just sort of retreat and will not let anyone in. This is sad to me, because these are the people who need to be validated the most, and what is better than a friendly “hello” that has nothing attached to it?

(When am I not having a discussion with Seana?) Out of the blue, she hit me from the left field with a comment about my argumentative and debate aspect, especially in regards to how it affects my relationships, or specifically, my lack of relationships with women.

I don’t know where or how we got on the topic of my “relationship” status, but there it was, when she said something along the lines of:

“You really want a girl who you can argue with, huh?”

Of course I replied “yes” to this. Let’s look a little further into this, just for clarification. When she and I talk about “argue” we refer to debates and discussions, not in “fights” or real arguments. Within the week, I am going to do a rant on the differences between a debate and an argument.

Anyhow, so, yes, I would like to be with someone who gets into a passionate discussion about their beliefs, whether they agree with me or not. Stand by your guns! And then, here comes the left fieldy:

“Have you ever thought that when you get like you do, that you intimidate or scare people off? When you start talking, you make it hard for people to keep up with you, and even sometimes make them feel inferior. You should try to tone it down a little bit, so the girls you talk to do not feel like they are not intelligent enough to be with you; that they have a chance.”

I have reflected on this throughout the night, and decided to rant about it because, not only is it true, but it made me realize something very important.

First, I love to talk about beliefs and values. I love to share ideas and thoughts. To me, this is the only way that we, as people, can continue to learn and grow at any sort of non-millennial time frame; we can learn from each other. However, I have known for a long time how people can intimidated by this. As far as I am concerned, that’s fine, but it is not going to stop me from doing what I love and talking about what I love.

Second, I came to this realization. Whenever I am dealing with people, I always treat everyone as equally as possible. My basis for judgement is on merit, not on superficial or uncontrollable details. The person is who counts. However, if I get into a situation where I am interested in someone, I complicate things. It’s not a matter of self-confidence, as I’ve got enough to share.
What I do is I fall into the irrational and almost unconscious thought that I am the one who always has to do the work to impress. It has, honestly, never really occurred to me in a real way that someone could like me before or during all this hoopla. I think it was her “that they have a chance.” bit. I build these inane walls up and will not let someone I am interested in see in, because I have this hypocritical belief that nobody would feel the need to impress me, but only I feel the need to impress them. I do not know if this is making any real sense, but I hope it is.

I have been bound by a societal standard without realizing it. I have been bound by a hypocritical belief without realizing it. I have set an irrational standard that when I found myself interested in someone there was no way it could be vice versa, that I would have work to accomplish something. It has all become clear (at least to me, heh) in my discussion with her that I have completely missed out that someone could actually be trying to impress me! I have missed out on the fact that not only are there people out there who want a “chance,” but many do not even think they have one.

Even though this was a super introspective piece that mainly served to clear my mind and put some of my thoughts in my head straight, I hope someone gets something out of it. If you have a response to it, I would really enjoy to here it, so please email me, and let me know.

People are drinking and people are dancing, and it seems as if people might even be having fun. I’m holding in my hand a “Captain and Coke.” It’s supposed to be a good drink. I don’t like to drink. It’s making me nauseous.

The birthday guy himself comes up to get me to try sake. I’ve never had sake before, so I figure I will try it. He gives me a shot, I take it without realizing we are supposed to toast. So I have to take another shot. Did I mention I do not like to drink?

The music is blaring and thumping, which is good. I like to feel my bones rattle. I look across the people dancing in wonder. You’ve got everyone here: the guy who has had way too much and doesn’t know when to stop having fun, the girl dancing by herself–lost in the rhythm, the pathetic guy with a cell phone on his hip dancing and making guns with his hands, the groups of people to scared to dance by themselves but too high strung to not dance. God do I hate stereotypes.

I watch as one of the guys dancing gets closer and closer to the lone girl. He watches, smiling at her. She is oblivious.

“Obviously she is playing hard to get,” I can see written on his face.

He moves closer, strutting. She is oblivious.

“Oh yeah, she wants me,” his playful eyes tell all.

He moves closer, thumping his pelvis, and raising his arms to engulf her. She is still oblivious. He almost has her and then, in her oblivion, she spins, smacking him with her hair. I can’t tell if she even noticed. He backs off, confused, and wanders into the crowd.

And this happens again, and again, and again.
It amazes me, this idiocy that people go through. Here is my question? Who is the one who has more self worth? The guy, who just knows he is all that, willing to take the “risk” of casually dancing with a girl (or shall we call it grinding his pelvis as forcibly as possible along hers while trying to crush her personal space with his arms?) or the lone girl who is just trying to enjoy and experience the music?

October 4, 2000

The people of the world scream their sins at me every day.

“Look at me! I’m stupid!”

The signs of this are presented so often each and every day, I do not know how it is possible for it to continue. For instance, it amazes me every time I see a student in class who cannot recognize his/her own hand writing. There are some teachers who have you collect your own work from a pile instead of the standard calling a name and handing it back themselves. For those teachers, there is often times the student who will walk up to the pile and stand for half a minute just looking at the pile. Then they will sift through the pile. Once. Twice. Three times! Then, they pick up a sheet (which is handwritten!) and stare at it for another half-minute. I can almost see the drool. Then, as if by some divine revelation, they nod their head and take the sheet. Their sheet in their handwriting.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but this bothers me for some reason. Go figure.