I’m just going to try and sort through my thoughts, since I cannot seem to do that and get something written.
People keep telling me that they love my writing. That it has life, and feeling, and spirit. I really don’t understand this.. but then again, I only see what can be better in my writing, not how it is. I never like my writing after I write it. For a while, anyways. I was reading through some of my old rants and honestly.. I was a little impressed. Hehe. Some of those are actually pretty good.
I don’t like how friendly social interaction is almost always connotated as flirting and hitting on people. Like today. I was being friendly with the coffee girl. Granted, she was very attractive, but was I talking to her because of that? No! It was because she obviously found my obnoxious behavior at least half way entertaining, and therefore we had a common connection. That’s how friends are made. And there is no reason for people to not be friendly to each other. Kate told me afterwards that she probably thought I was flirting with her. Just being friendly … as if I knew real flirting if I saw it. Heh. Also, in a conversation about people having self confidence and looking people in the eye.. a female friend of mine said, “And, I guess I need to do more of that. The problem is that when I look guy’s in the eye, they almost always take it to be a come on.” PLEASE! This is sick. Are people out there so desperate for unnecessary relationships that they need to jump on any person who will even look at them?! Are we so far gone socially that any interaction that is no stooped in self hate and zero self confidence is considered coming on to another person. I am sick and tired of it. Personally, I want to meet people and get to know HIM/HER.. their beliefs and values.. who they are. Not how well they can pick out their clothing.. or how large their breasts are (Yeah, there’s a real determining factor in a person and the possibilities of a relationship.)
I actually started to write a poem about people who get into relationships for self hate reasons. I doubt I’ll finish it, so I’m just going to post it. (For those of you who do not know me very well, I don’t write that many poems.)
“Complete”
I need your lies
All of your spite
Everything worthless
Just like me
Crawl down my hole
See me shiver
I’m still bleeding
Make it hurt
Feed me scorn
Be so cruel
Damage my mind
Torture my soul
I need you
To make me complete
Because I am nothing
Without your hate
Isaac S.
07-19-01
As for me. I’ll have self worth. I’ll have real friends. I’ll treat people like people. I’ll get into real relationships.
And, hell, I’ll even be happy.
You can do it, too.