I admire their ability and wish I could be as good as the rest of society. I have taken it upon myself to make another installment to Uncouth’s driving guide (see The Uncouth Guide to SUV’s) to help those of use who wish to be better driver’s… like the average person.
Remember, this is a race. And you’ve got to be number one.
Unless, of course, you know you’re not in the race. Then drive 20 miles slower than anyone else, even if this makes you go in reverse.
If you see a sign telling you lanes are closed ahead… ignore it.
If you see lights, cones, flares, or anything else directing you to change lanes… ignore them.
As you are merging, do not use your turn signals. Everyone can tell you’re trying to get over. Duh.
If someone is trying to merge into your lane, don’t let them in. See rule #1.
If someone is merging with a turn signal, DEFINITETLY don’t let them in. And tell that jackass that communication is not allowed.
If traffic starts to slow, find any way to get ahead, including the shoulder or lanes of oncoming traffic.
If that traffic is being caused by an accident, road work, or anything else worth watching, fight as hard as you can to get ahead (see rule #1), and then stop to watch the show.
What’s going on behind you doesn’t matter.
What’s going on in front of you doesn’t matter.
What’s going on to the side of you doesn’t matter.
What is going on INSIDE is what is important. Did a phone just ring?
If you’re in stopped traffic and a lane starts to move, jump over as quick as you can. No one else will do that…
Make sure to pull into the appropriate lane for a turn or offramp at the last possible moment…
Remember… this is only a guide. With merging, only the winner SURVIVES!