Uncouth PerspectivesNot on the rug, man.

I was thinking about maybe attacking the bromide “ignorance is bliss.” Or maybe get into the idiocy of killing over ideas of God. Or maybe, as I said, something broad, deep, and important.

However, while I was at school last night, I saw a couple of things that greatly disturbed me.

It was the first day of class. As normal, I walk in, standing tall (which puts me well over everyone else), smiling, looking happy. I find a desk, generally in the same spot. Somewhere near the middle and back. I don’t like to sit up front, because:

a) As I’ve stated, and as most of you know, I’m an ogre. I’m 6′5″ and someone you want sitting in front of you if you can avoid it.

b) I’m an ogre. How this is different from “a)” is that the seats are not made for someone my size to sit comfortable. So I’m always shifting and moving, and such. And, again, it’s a pain to sit behind me.

Anyways, so I sit. I’m not uncomfortable, I’m not noticably nervous. I’m not worried about meeting people–I’m a social nut. I’m not worried about the instructor–I’ve had him for two other classes. I’m not worried about the class itself–It’s a Philosophy class.. ’nuff said.

So, I sit back and watch people, as I am prone to do. I always find it amazing how nervous and socially closed off people are. The class room fills up, and noone talks to each other. They just sit there, in the dead quiet. The teacher comes in. He has a seating chart, which makes us all feel like we are in grade school again. I, however, know is reasoning–which is good reasoning. Everyone else just gets upset. We start changing seats, row by row. People filter in, and they do not know that we are in the position of changing seats. So, they sit down–and noone says anything. As I see this, I make it a point to let them know. In fact, I had to yell across the room at one point. So much for people working together, eh?

ANYWAYS… none of this is what disturbed me. I was sitting there, watching the people and this girl came in. I would say probably 18 or 19 (though, if you know me at all, you know that I am a horrible judge of ages) and sat down. She was, in my humble opinion, fairly physically attractive. However, she sat in a very closed, shy, and probably decently self loathing position. She did not smile. She did not make eye contact. She was just sitting there, in her shell. And I started to get upset. There are lots of possible reasons for her to be like that, but all of them upset me. Because, more than likely, most of them had to do with self worth–and self worth in regards to being a woman. It’s something I’ve become very sensative too.. and I could see it in her. That “I’m bad because I’m a woman” or “I’m going to be self loathing or look self loathing so I won’t get hit on” or.. whatever it might be. It upsets me that people need to go through their lives hiding from themselves and from others.

So, class goes on and we go through a bunch of topics. (As class went on, though, I was happy to note that there were a couple of very vocal and non-self loathing women and men in the class… that is not always normal) I left class and I was walking back to my car, thinking on that subject.

And then I got very, very upset and disturbed.

I saw another girl, walking. She was going to her car, by herself, at night. Just at that thought, I’m sure some people would cringe or shake their heads. I don’t really think about it, because again, I’m an ogre. People tend to shy away from me for all kinds of reasons, and I rarely have fear when walking to my car during the night while at school. However, this girl did have fear. Her head was down, though she was looking around. He her arms were crossed, and she was hunched over. She walked at a more-than-brisk pace. And I became horrified. What happened, that a girl had to be afraid of walking to her car at night… while at SCHOOL!? Or anywhere, for that matter. She took a glance at me, and walked even faster.

Sigh.

And, I’m sure, there are many men who feel this way too. They probably wouldn’t admit they were scared or afraid… but they are. Let’s not limit or stereotype it to women, although traditionally they are more likely to have something happen. All I can say is I am disturbed. And I’m going to find a way to do something about it…

But, then again, I’m not talking about something important or deep, am I?

The communication between conceptual human beings is even more amazing. It is amazing because of how much can be communicated, how much can be taught (and learned), how much can be passed on…

And how much can be absolutetly screwed up.

There is this saying that has been chanted:

The only dumb question is the one not asked.

Well, I’m going to put a stop to this silliness right now. The spirit behind this bromide is good: if you do not understand something, then ask questions to clarify. And that is part of communication. Communication is not a one way act. If you, as a receiver, do not understand something, you should always ask for clarification. While the burden is on the communicator to get his or her message across, it is also the receiver’s responsability to try … if they are dedicated to the communication.

However, there is a point when a there can be either too many questions or a question that is not necessary. Some very good speakers, presenters, and teachers can be hampered by the fact that they are neat, clean, and efficient. They can get everything across in one or two sentences. I am continually astounded, though, when the next ten minutes are spent asking questions that were answered in the one or two senteces.

Example:

“In this class, we are going to have name plates. They need to have your first and last name on them. My suggestion is to cut a manilla folder. They cannot be any larger than this size (shows an example), but I have had huge elaborate ones in the past. You will be moving around a lot, getting into groups, etc. and we should all be able to know who each other is. Do NOT use a piece of paper, it must be something sturder that can sit upright on your desktop. You need to have these ready by the next class session.”

SIGH.

The point is… you need to listen. We, as speakers, need to have adequate speaking skill, presence, vocabulary, etc. But, as listeners, we also need to listen. Many people do not, or will not, understand this simple fact. They get confused, frustrated, angry, etc. and have no clue why.

Why don’t you get it?!

Because you did not listen!

It is more than necessary to ask questions to clarify. And I highly suggest that you do… not enough people are willing to do that. However, make sure you’ve taken some time to actually listen, first.

Yes, yes, I know. What has come over me. No, I’m not sick. No, I’m not crazy. I just felt like turning on the television.

Even more, I spent the evening watch a couple of programs on TLC on beauty.

It goes hand in hand with some conversations I’ve had with someone people I recently met at a weekend class.

One of the women I was speaking with was telling me some interesting stories. First, about herself. She was attractive, not over weight, lively, and had a sharp mind. However, she didn’t seem to agree on all of those. She seemed content, but she hinted that she still felt overweight and she still felt not as attractive as she could be. Bleah.

Even worse, she apparently has a cousin who is gorgeous. She is apparently a “nordic goddess.” However, this cousin is insane about it. She persists that a pinch of fat is too much. Guh.

Before I tackle that, though, I want to talk about these programs a little bit. They covered pretty much only physical characteristic. What is “attractive” to different society. What physical characteristics are more likely to attract people in a western culture. And… surprise, surprise, it was mainly oriented on beauty in women.

Beauty is something sorely misrepresented, sorely abused, and something that can hurt and destroy people.

First, and foremost, the cliched “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” I do not think I am attractive. I am again and again astounded at being proven wrong by specific people. But I also know people who would agree, and have, with me. It depends on which characteristic really matter to you.

Hand in hand with that, people forget beliefs, values, personality, etc. In essence, the person. An athletic star, a pretty smile, big beautiful eyes, or whatever else may come into play… will only go so far. Unless that is all that matters to you… and maybe you should stop and look at yourself and your beliefs if that is the case. There is much more to a person than their physical characteristics. Our connection with people goes far beyond simple mating instincs now. We are in a precarious balance, where we are still driven by certain desires. But, with that, we have mental needs and connections. Many people will have purely physical relationships, or relationships that start of purely physical desires, and find empty, sad relationships. They’re unhappy, frustrated, and they don’t know why.

You are not just your bust. You are not just your ass. You are not just your smile. There is much more to a person. And there is much more needed in our relationships.

Don’t discount the physical… we all have physical aspects that we find attractive… but do not over emphasis it.

If you are trying to dress and present yourself purely for the reason of attract someone to you… what you are doing is living for someone else. You are trying to tie your happiness to another person. And, in the end, that will never work.

Do not live for another person. Do not sacrifice yourself or your desires for anyone.

Live for yourself. Let your beauty be who you are, not what you have.

You do not need every person’s approval to be good. You only need yourself.

I have also proclaimed many a times that people should not be looked down for claiming this feeling. I have also said that people should not whine, wallow, or whimper about it.

Let me try to clarify all of this for you. And, more than likely, myself.

When I say that I feel lonely, it is for a number of reasons. I think the foremost, however, is the feeling that I will always be lonely. The reason this stounds out is this: I do not mind not being in a relationship. I do not need a relationship or another person to make my life “worth living.” I am capable of being a human being without living through another person. However, you must also look at my views of relationships. Relationships, ANY relationship, is based off of beliefs and values and the mental connection between people. Having someone close to me is not a physical thing–it is a mental. The physical follows the mental.

I’ve looked at myself, often wondering “Why does it bother me that I am alone.” I have finally realized that it is not the fact that I am alone, it is the fact that I might always be alone. And that is the scary part. I have friends, yes. But it is an odd situation. (And, for those of you who do not think that friends can keep you from being lonely–you are mistaken. Take a better look at your friends or your relationships with them.) For me, my best friend, the person who truly knows me the most and I have an off and on relationship. We’ll go for months without speaking a word.. and then one day, one of us will call the other and we’ll start off like no time was wasted. We have a great relationship… but there are times when it is hard or impossible to count on the other person. I have some other close friends, but most of them are either deeply involved with sorting their life out, or busy living it. They have boyfriend or girlfriends, or are getting kicked out of their house, or have never grown from a break up, or many many other things. And we support each other, but I tend to find myself doing more of the support.

After all, I’m the strong one, right?

And then there are the people who I call friends, but they hold themselves back from the relationship. They bemoan themselves because they are not as smart as me. Or I must think how stupid they are. Or they scored 115 on a silly online IQ test, when I scored 140. Or whatever other excuse they find to belittle themselves or idolize me.

Look, stop worrying about me and start living. If you know who you are, and you hold true to your beliefs and values, you will attract and surround yourself with people of similiar thought.

Yes, I am lonely.

Yes, I am scared that I will always be alone.

But, that is no reason to stop living my life or trying to live for someone else.

I am here. I am going to live. And being alone is not going to stop me from acheiving my goals or being happy.

It is time not only to admit to myself, but admit to everyone who reads, the simple truth. It is time to get back to the roots. It is time to simply be open, honest. It is time to be me.

I look over the webpage of recent days and I feel a certain amount of pride. I see 15,000 hits a month. I see forums that people call great, wonderful, and open. I argue with people who feel intimidated to talk with me or post in the forums. I accept many accolades of praise from people.

And, all the time, it has gone downhill. The rants I write are not the rants of the begining. Look at them. Compare. I have gone through serious changes, changes that are still happening, and it has hampered me. For almost two months I did not have a job. I stopped reading. It took everything in me to get a post on the webpage… and even then, it was cheap and contrived. Read them. You’ll see the difference. Yeah, maybe it’s still good.

But it’s not what it could be.

It is not what I believe in.

It is not what I have to offer.

I used to get so excited while writing rants that I could barely even spell anything correctly. And now I have to force myself to think of something–ANYTHING. And that is sad. Not only sad because this website is my self exploration, but sad because there is nothing for anyone who is reading it to really garner.

I read some things and I actually get offended. It feels more aggressive and almost antagonistic. That is not what I believe in. That is not me.

One of the things that has plagued me is that I have done some serious soul searching about myself and my reltionships (with everyone). I came to realize how honestly lonely I was, but I did not what to open up about it. I felt it boorish and ugly of my to say how lonely I was.

“Oh, pity me! Look how sad and lonely I am! Look how terrible everything is!”

. . . but that is not what this is all about.

It is not about hiding who I am. It is not about forcing contrived messages upon unwitting audiences.

I want people to understand the lessons I’ve learn, and I want them to see the things I’ve seen. Not because I’m better, or because I’m so right and I need to prove it. But, because I can see things, and I can make a difference.

And if I am lonely… Then I need to write about how lonely I am. And if YOU are lonely, then you need to express how lonely you are. It is okay to be lonely and honest. It is not okay to wallow and complain and not attempt to change the situation.

This is really the difference . . . Do you force your loneliness on others in self depreciation and masochistic torture?

Or do you express your feelings, emotions, and thoughts?

Do you make something of them…?

Do you live?

Do not talk in the movie theatre while the movie is playing. Especially at Indie films.

Use your turn signal.

When making a left turn, an accident down the road does NOT give you the right to go down the wrong side of a divided street.

Change you’re shirt if you’re going to be going out with a cool girl (/etc.).

Someone being friendly does not ALWAYS mean they’re flirting.

But it might.

Do NOT share a small office with someone who chews gum loud, if you are slightly clausterphobic and have a neurosis about loud chewing.

Loan officer’s are not ALWAYS the bad guys.

But most are.

Lawyer’s are not ALWAYS the bad guys.

But more are.

Try some ketchup on your taco’s… you might like it.

Not everyone is an almost “ten.”

But, apparently, I am.

Just because you are an almost ten, it does not mean anything.

Often, you’re still alone.

And sometimes…

Just sometimes…

Your wish will come true.

But YOU have to make it happen.

The discussion on the forum started on anti-intellectualism. Being smart is NOT respected in our society. Starting from public school, moving to social circles, and going into the work place. If you are advanced, if you are intelligent, you are an outcast and unwanted. You can even be seen as a danger.

I can say this with conviction, because I am an outspoken person of intelligence. I am proud of my accomplishments, when I have ideas I share them, and my interest is in seeing everyone succeed–yes, especially myself. And it has cost me a lot. It has cost me in past social circles. It has cost me everytime I moved.

I moved every year or two of my younger life. And everytime I did, I would have to start over at a new school. At the new school, I would be put in lower grade classes (even after an IQ test scored me at 145). And in addition to the normal difficulties in making friends, I had to go with it that I was also fairly intelligent and showed it. That is just damning.

In work places, I have advanced quickly… until a point. And once at a point where they realize just how intelligent and capable I am, I stop. They put a hold on me. Every block is thrown up. Because, instead of wanting an organization that is full of competentence, the people above me instead, motivated by fear, want stagnation and sheep.

In 1984, this line struck out to me last night while reading:

“One of these days, thought Winston with sudden deep conviction, Syme will be vaporized. He is too intelligent. He sees too clearly and speaks too plainly . . . There was something subtly wrong with Syme. There was something that he lacked: discretion, aloofness, a sort of saving stupidity. You could not say that he was unorthodox. He believed in the principles of Ingsoc, he venerated Big Brother, he rejoiced over victories, he hated heretics, nor merely with sincerity but with a sort of restless zeal, an up-to-dateness of information, which the oridinary Party member did not approach. Yet a faint air of disreputability always clung to him. He said things that would have been better unsaid, he had read too many books . . .”

I want you to think long and hard about what intelligence is. And I want you to think long and hard about what it means in our society.

Because intelligence is not just about having book knowledge–I know I don’t have that. Intelligence is not about using big words.

Rather, intelligence is about being able to live and be happy. It’s about knowledge of your own beliefs. It’s about understanding reality. It’s seeing that your happiness comes at neither a sacrifice to yourself or to others. Intelligence is about being able to LIVE.

And we, as a society, boldy reject this . . .

I often wonder why I brave the treck to the local establishment that shows moving pictures on the screen. Occasionally, on a rare day, I will find myself enthralled with the magic, the wonder, and the quiet of it all.

However, more often than not, I leave feeling that much more spite for the average movie go-er… do we dare even call them human, at times. And, if this is what humanity has succumb to, perhaps it is time that I take my pre-punched ticket stub and move on.

But, no! I must stop and try to vocalize the madness that I have experienced so that we learn, grow, love and be happy.

Or at least, get to watch a movie (if it’s worth watching) in peace.

Tonight, I trecked to see a new movie, popular with the youngsters. The movie itself shall be left unnamed, because I am not defaming the movie (as of yet), but merely the experience.

Let me see if I can try to break down my experience:

I am going to see a movie with my ex-girlfriend. We talk into the theatre. First, the task is to decide where to sit. Personally, I am here to see a movie, not to play guess which chair is good.

We find some seats. We sit. As the previews start, people continue to come in, with gasps and groans because there is little to no seating.. and it is hard to see. Oh, the misery! I apologize there were not signs posted that read:

“Get to the movie on time, or you may have to crawl through a darkend room to find a seat.

Yes, you will have to find your own seat.

Yes, it will be dark while the movie is playing.”

So, as it were, while the previews are playing (and TV ads, and newspaper ads, and popcorn ads, and Jeep ads, and …. half an hour later) you get the dregs shuffling in as the movie finally starts. As my exgirlfriend and I sit there, already a semi-uncomfortable experience, a couple–guy and girl–sit next to her. The girl turns and starts talking to the guy. I don’t think she ever stopped.

“Gasp!”

“Squeek!”

“What did he just say?!”

“Oh my!”

“What just happened!”

“Isn’t he cute?!”

Etc.

Then, an older man sit nexts to me. Which I have no problem with, I’m not in fear for my personal space by another movie go-er. Except. I think he misread the instrunctions for his cologne and translated “a splash” into “the entire bottle, for good measure.”

As the movie is just about to start, a couple of teenagers come in. They peer around in the dark. They continue to peer. Then one of them shouts for his friend, who yells back “here.” Everyone else takes this cue, and yells “here” as well. Yes, this was very humorous. Except, it kept going on. And, somehow, it gave everyone a license to talk. AS the movie was starting. So, as the credits are rolling, all I can hear is conversation. People talking, laughing, joking.

EXCUSE ME?!

If you wanted to talk… WHY DID YOU COME TO A THEATRE?

We sit and watch the movie. Conversations here, smells there, laughs at stupid jokes, and the whole deal. Then it’s time to leave.

Another great challenge.

You see, this marvelous thing happens. Aside from the already known difficulties of merging (yes, it starts with people and ends with cars), as soon as people exit a theatre, show, play, whatever, they immediatly stop. To talk. And thus everyone else leaving, as to kind of swerve around them, creating more merging situations. And then THEY stop and talk. And so on…

And that is just a trip to the movies.

We were discussing “The Green Mile,” and she made a complaint that the movie made Death Row guards seem like “normal people.” She considered these guards “enablers,” and made a comparison to the guards in Nazi concentration camps. Debate over the death sentence aside, my mother surprised me because this was one of only a few times I have ever heard her express a political opinion.

My mother hates debate, and her solution is to be a-political. Discussing current events is practically taboo in my house. In some ways, this has been good for me, because it has forced me to make my own decisions. On the other hand, my mother’s example for a long time made me extremely shy about expressing my political views. Luckily, a year at UC Berkeley has mostly cleared me of such reticence.

The politically charged atmosphere of the campus led to many private conversations about politics. Talking to people at school forced me to state an opinion about political issues. Having to discuss my views forced me to both have an opinion, and to be able to support it.

And this process caused me to strongly disagree with my mother�s a-political stance.

If you never have to explain your views to another person, you�re denying yourself of an opportunity to teach and learn. You can�t help someone locked into one viewpoint look at an issue from another stance, and perhaps change his or her opinion. And another person can�t help you to change your opinions or become stronger in defending them.

It�s ok if you can�t always see eye to eye with others. Don�t be afraid to have an opinion. Talk with other people about your opinions. If you�re wrong, admit it, if you�re right, teach others what you believe. If you don�t know, don�t be afraid to admit it.

Communicate. Teach. Learn. It just might change the world.

I was talking with a friend this evening, and she said something that many people have said, but again it astounded me. She told me that she loved my writing. That my writing was deep. That it was amazing. That it had life to it. Whenever I hear this, my first reaction is always, “Are you crazy?!” And it’s not one of those, “Oh, woe is my, my writing is terrible, pity me, woe is me” type things. I just get some extreme reactions to me writing, and it astounds me.

So, I want to let everyone in on a little secret. This is a secret to my writing, this is a secret to my style, and this is a secret to me.

My writing comes from reality. It comes from the world around me. It comes from my experiences. It is not something mystical. It is not something magical. It is not something that just happened. I was also asked today, by someone else, “Where do your rants come from?”

They come from what happens. I live each day, and each day I see things which should not be. For a very long time, I had been very depressed. I lived in a world that was wrong, and I didn’t know why. I was sad and lonely, because I couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong. I couldn’t find anyone to share my thoughts with… if I even had thoughts about it. It was a very trying time.

But, I came more and more to understand what was wrong. I also began to understand my own beliefs and values. The world, as messed up as it was, started to become clear. And the answers became simple. The world is not messed up. People are not messed up. And the problems can be fixed.

Eventually, I also created this website. I wanted to share my beliefs, because I understood how alone I felt. I wanted to bring together different people with different ideas. I wanted to share, grow, teach, and learn.

I wanted to reach you. And hopefully I’ve done some good.