I was thinking about maybe attacking the bromide “ignorance is bliss.” Or maybe get into the idiocy of killing over ideas of God. Or maybe, as I said, something broad, deep, and important.
However, while I was at school last night, I saw a couple of things that greatly disturbed me.
It was the first day of class. As normal, I walk in, standing tall (which puts me well over everyone else), smiling, looking happy. I find a desk, generally in the same spot. Somewhere near the middle and back. I don’t like to sit up front, because:
a) As I’ve stated, and as most of you know, I’m an ogre. I’m 6′5″ and someone you want sitting in front of you if you can avoid it.
b) I’m an ogre. How this is different from “a)” is that the seats are not made for someone my size to sit comfortable. So I’m always shifting and moving, and such. And, again, it’s a pain to sit behind me.
Anyways, so I sit. I’m not uncomfortable, I’m not noticably nervous. I’m not worried about meeting people–I’m a social nut. I’m not worried about the instructor–I’ve had him for two other classes. I’m not worried about the class itself–It’s a Philosophy class.. ’nuff said.
So, I sit back and watch people, as I am prone to do. I always find it amazing how nervous and socially closed off people are. The class room fills up, and noone talks to each other. They just sit there, in the dead quiet. The teacher comes in. He has a seating chart, which makes us all feel like we are in grade school again. I, however, know is reasoning–which is good reasoning. Everyone else just gets upset. We start changing seats, row by row. People filter in, and they do not know that we are in the position of changing seats. So, they sit down–and noone says anything. As I see this, I make it a point to let them know. In fact, I had to yell across the room at one point. So much for people working together, eh?
ANYWAYS… none of this is what disturbed me. I was sitting there, watching the people and this girl came in. I would say probably 18 or 19 (though, if you know me at all, you know that I am a horrible judge of ages) and sat down. She was, in my humble opinion, fairly physically attractive. However, she sat in a very closed, shy, and probably decently self loathing position. She did not smile. She did not make eye contact. She was just sitting there, in her shell. And I started to get upset. There are lots of possible reasons for her to be like that, but all of them upset me. Because, more than likely, most of them had to do with self worth–and self worth in regards to being a woman. It’s something I’ve become very sensative too.. and I could see it in her. That “I’m bad because I’m a woman” or “I’m going to be self loathing or look self loathing so I won’t get hit on” or.. whatever it might be. It upsets me that people need to go through their lives hiding from themselves and from others.
So, class goes on and we go through a bunch of topics. (As class went on, though, I was happy to note that there were a couple of very vocal and non-self loathing women and men in the class… that is not always normal) I left class and I was walking back to my car, thinking on that subject.
And then I got very, very upset and disturbed.
I saw another girl, walking. She was going to her car, by herself, at night. Just at that thought, I’m sure some people would cringe or shake their heads. I don’t really think about it, because again, I’m an ogre. People tend to shy away from me for all kinds of reasons, and I rarely have fear when walking to my car during the night while at school. However, this girl did have fear. Her head was down, though she was looking around. He her arms were crossed, and she was hunched over. She walked at a more-than-brisk pace. And I became horrified. What happened, that a girl had to be afraid of walking to her car at night… while at SCHOOL!? Or anywhere, for that matter. She took a glance at me, and walked even faster.
Sigh.
And, I’m sure, there are many men who feel this way too. They probably wouldn’t admit they were scared or afraid… but they are. Let’s not limit or stereotype it to women, although traditionally they are more likely to have something happen. All I can say is I am disturbed. And I’m going to find a way to do something about it…
But, then again, I’m not talking about something important or deep, am I?
