It is time not only to admit to myself, but admit to everyone who reads, the simple truth. It is time to get back to the roots. It is time to simply be open, honest. It is time to be me.
I look over the webpage of recent days and I feel a certain amount of pride. I see 15,000 hits a month. I see forums that people call great, wonderful, and open. I argue with people who feel intimidated to talk with me or post in the forums. I accept many accolades of praise from people.
And, all the time, it has gone downhill. The rants I write are not the rants of the begining. Look at them. Compare. I have gone through serious changes, changes that are still happening, and it has hampered me. For almost two months I did not have a job. I stopped reading. It took everything in me to get a post on the webpage… and even then, it was cheap and contrived. Read them. You’ll see the difference. Yeah, maybe it’s still good.
But it’s not what it could be.
It is not what I believe in.
It is not what I have to offer.
I used to get so excited while writing rants that I could barely even spell anything correctly. And now I have to force myself to think of something–ANYTHING. And that is sad. Not only sad because this website is my self exploration, but sad because there is nothing for anyone who is reading it to really garner.
I read some things and I actually get offended. It feels more aggressive and almost antagonistic. That is not what I believe in. That is not me.
One of the things that has plagued me is that I have done some serious soul searching about myself and my reltionships (with everyone). I came to realize how honestly lonely I was, but I did not what to open up about it. I felt it boorish and ugly of my to say how lonely I was.
“Oh, pity me! Look how sad and lonely I am! Look how terrible everything is!”
. . . but that is not what this is all about.
It is not about hiding who I am. It is not about forcing contrived messages upon unwitting audiences.
I want people to understand the lessons I’ve learn, and I want them to see the things I’ve seen. Not because I’m better, or because I’m so right and I need to prove it. But, because I can see things, and I can make a difference.
And if I am lonely… Then I need to write about how lonely I am. And if YOU are lonely, then you need to express how lonely you are. It is okay to be lonely and honest. It is not okay to wallow and complain and not attempt to change the situation.
This is really the difference . . . Do you force your loneliness on others in self depreciation and masochistic torture?
Or do you express your feelings, emotions, and thoughts?
Do you make something of them…?
Do you live?