I am talking, of course, about the ever-shrinking size of parking spaces.
Who exactly decided that it was a good idea to shrink parking spaces down to sub-atomic sizes? At work, I need a can opener to get into (or out of) my car if I am unfortunate enough to be sandwiched between two other cars. It doesn’t help that the average American consumer has developed a taste for large, ungainly, behemoth-like vehicles that rove about the urban landscapes on a quest to drain the earth of it’s remaining fossil fuels. And, have you noticed that the people who drive these monstrosities seems to have lost man’s innate ability to park between two parallel lines? The other day, in front of my favorite Mexican eatery, a buddy and I laughed ourselves sick while watching some balding yuppie freak spend a good ten minutes attempting (but never actually completing) the world’s worst parallel parking job. Like the guy on the commercial laments, “Time was, a man could command his own vehicle…”
But, I digress. I drive a Miata, which as you may know is the world’s smallest mass-production automobile that doesn’t come with “Hot Wheels” stamped on the bottom. If I can’t find a decent-sized parking spot, then nobody can. This problem is beginning to reach epidemic proportions. At first, it seemed like only a few office buildings were perpetuating this travesty upon humanity, but now everyone’s getting into the act. Shopping malls, movie theatres, airports, you name it, the parking spots are shrinking every day. Is this the brainchild of some middle-management MBA policy work, who reasons that if there are more parking spaces, then more people can park, which will therefore result in increased market share, or fatter profit margins, or something? Let me state it once, slowly, clearly: just because you paint more spots, that doesn’t mean you can fit more vehicles into a finite space!
Actually, I’m looking forward to the day when parking lots are repainted to the point where the parallel lines are actually touching each other, and parking lots all over the world become nothing more than large fields of asphalt and white (or yellow) paint. Imagine the confusion, as people drive around endlessly, looking for a space large enough to park their 2002 Ford Gigantosaur before it runs out of gas. The resulting chaos, as no one can park and go to work, or spend money, should be enough to throw our economy into chaos! Production falls! Income drops! The trade gap widens! It’s the end of Western Civilization and we know it!
Well, maybe it’s not that bad. But, if I get another door ding, I’m really gonna be mad.
Editor’s note:
See also: The Uncouth Guide to SUV’s