Uncouth PerspectivesNot on the rug, man.

Allright, I put some more work into the code this week, finally.

The largest thing I fixed was the comment system problem. Here I was thinking everyone was just ignoring it, and it turns out that I’m the monkey. I used the wrong database type and all of the comments where going to article number #127… heh. So, that is fixed. I also changed the color of the “# comments” to be yellow, make it stand out a little more.

I am also working on the user profile system, but I’ve been kind of a slacker about it, so I’ll get on it. There will be some basic preference settings and the ability to have new posts emailed to you and all the fun jazz.

I will also be setting up a submission system for weekly picks, so you can add your own suggestions to my limited list.

Also, because of the fiasco with the comment system, I will be setting up some sort of bug tracking thingee as well, but that’s further down the list in my mind.

If you have any thoughts, please email me!

Isaac!

Allright, so simply, I made a mistake with creating the database for the comments, and they were all getting piled on to one article. So, I put the comments where I thought they were supposed to go and then I put the rest on this here article…

Enjoy.

And I’m drinking it by myself.

Another friend of mine got engaged last weekend. It’s so great.

But, I find it funny.

When I am open, in general, about how I feel, you call me desperate.

When I say nothing, you call me arrogant.

When I write about it, you call me contrived.

When I actually say something, you call me too direct.

You, society, have damned us all, who choose to follow your stupid idealogies and monstrous beliefs, to crawl around in relationships like feces, rotting our brains and eroding our heart.

I shall not stand for it.

I have no stood for it.

It is not for you to stand in the way, shouting madly about how we should behave and how we should act based on nothing but your whims.

Damn you!

Damn you society… I may be alone by your cravenous acts, but at least I am happy. At least I am me.

Those were my thoughts. But I tried to be good. I said to Jaz, “If I talk to him, I will destroy his world.”

She laughed, and, honestly, I did know if it was quite true. It had been a while since I had gotten into a good religious debate. But, I held myself back.

That is, until, “AND YOUR GOD KILLS BABIES!”

I’m walking up, and there is a crowd around him. Some are for him, some are against him, and everyone is screaming at everyone.

Mmmm… fun.

Jaz pulls and pushes me into the fray and, admittedly, I want it.

He is postured quite humorously… He knows what he believes and he’s willing to fight for it..

“Blah, blah, blah… Blah, blah…. that is why you must be a ‘Born Again’ Christian to be saved–”

“Excuse me..?”

“How can you atest to that, when the theory of ‘born again’ christianity has really only been around for the last century or two, and was not popular evangelized until the mid 1900′s by Billy Graham, who became at odds with the fundamentalists over it?”

“Uhm, well, er… In John 3:3–”

“I know what John 3:3 says, but those are not the same things.”

“Uhm, well, er… you’re asking me some very deep theological questions, and I appreciate it. I will admit I do not have a lot of knowledge. I simply want to share my experiences.”

Well, unless I am just a lot more haughty than I think, I hadn’t even begun to delve into “deep theological questions.” Those who know me, know I really do not like doing that. It’s really about daily life and living.

However, this “I do not have a lot of knowledge” is the same person who early stated he has read the Bible 23 times and now reads it once a month.

Not very closely?

I then let him talk his schpeil at me for a while, only adding comments or small questions here or there, while the crowd continued to yell at each other. That’s quite a surreal experience. Those close, though, seemed to be enthralled. I guess I was doing really good–I just wanted him to think.

However, he then brought up the rapture theory. Oh dear, I guess he had it coming. As most of my discussions with believers of the rapture theory, that part of our conversation ended with me holding his Bible and pointing to a scripture, while he vehemently shook his head repeating “No, No, No, No..”

Well, he admitted he didn’t want to learn anything and simply proved it.

“Well, I would really like to thank you. I want to tell you, I did not do this to attack or belittle you. I want you to know what you profess to believe. Research the rapture theory. I’ll be back to talk to you.”

I don’t think he believes me.

That, and, I do not ask that much of him. He asks me to give up my life and soul to his religion, which has a horrific history of death, oppresion, and senseless culling of the masses.

I just ask him to learn his religion.

So, we’re having all of these technical problems and I can’t figure out what the hell is going on. I finally break down to try to talk to Phil and he’s gone for the wonderful blues festival for the weekend.

Punk.

I actually get to talk to him this morning and… it all just works. I still think he did something and didn’t tell me. I’m surrounded by liars. Heh.

Seriously, though, everything should be bleeding working again. Please email me if you have any problems. As the day goes on, I’ll get everything updated and fixed, including the two rants from last week I keep losing.

So, now, here’s the deal. I’ve noticed that it looks like people only read this little article here and think the site is not getting updated. So, I may start posting all the rants here first, to fit a little more with our format. I’m not sure, but email me with any thoughts.

Also, I want to remind you… ANYONE can submit and article or news story! Just look for the submission links!

Thanks!

Isaac.

You bet.

As normal, it’s going to be kind of short and sweet, but…

Holiday’s are stupid.

We should not need nor have nor subject ourselves to one day wherein we “celebrate” something more than another day in a set pattern. I am not saying to not celebrate things. I am not saying do not celebrate your mother. Or your birthday or whatever it might be.

What I am saying is do it because you want to do it, not because an economy tells you to. Do it when you want to do it, don’t do it on a prearranged day.

People start to feel forced into doing and, conversely, people start to expect it. I like to give gifts because I want to give a gift or because, as it my gift giving style, I see something that I know the other person would just love.

I, again, am not saying don’t celebrate something. I am saying do it when, where, how, and whatever you want. Not because it’s been prearranged on a stupid day.

Last night, my History of Chrisianity class was canceled and I tried to pull together an impromptu study group. It actually worked out decently well, but the best part (as it always seems to be) was the side conversation.

Several times, we digressed into good topics, but the topic that came up the most (as has been haunting me the last several weeks) is relationships.

I feel that I might have made a slight fool of myself, but I’ll go into again, anyways. You see, these last couple of days I have dipped into my “oh, I feel so lonely” phase again. Which, as it always is, quite ridiculous.

It started with a dream. It is a very simple dream. I was staying at someone’s house, perhaps a huge house or mansion. I walked into my room. There was my bed and then a pile of blankets and pillows on the floor that I knew to be the sleeping place of the person I shared the room with. She was actually, though, laying on the bed. When I came into the room, she started to get ready to move down, and I said “No, let’s snuggle together tonight.”

And she agreed.

I woke from that dream and have been kind of trudging along since then. That is actually the night I woke up and wrote The Reaper Man at like 4 am. I had just woken up from that dream and could not get back to sleep.

Now, I also want to stipulate that I do not normally feel so lonely. And I do not get down about it. Feeling it and wallowing in it are two different things. I use all of my emotions as power, not as weakness. But, I am feeling it more than normal right now … and not only is that okay, but it is okay to share that. At least with those who are good friends. Or, uhm, anyone who reads your website?

Anyways, that not really the point of all this. I actually brought this up to the two people who came over for the study group, and it felt very good. Like I said, I probably made myself a bit the fool, but I am glad that I know people who I can share and express a bit of who I am with. I have never been one to care much about the judgements of others, but I’ve never denied that it does feel good for people to listen and share themselves.

I have decided, in wake of all of the realtionship hoopla that has been going on the last couple of weeks to dedicated next week as “Relationship” week. I’ll come up with some neato slogan, but the idea just occured to me, so I’ll have to figure out what to do.

I will gladly accept (as always!) articles from anyone on the topic, so please submit some articles! I plan on having at least one article a day, but if I get more, we’ll have more!

So, yeah, I’m feeling a bit more lonely that I normally do. But, like I said, so what? I’ve got some damned good friends (some of whom I have only met recently, but I’m still thankful) and I don’t plan on wasting them.

It’s just shy of midnight. I have been trying to sleep for many hours now, which is odd for me. I do not even attempt to go to sleep until around this time, if not later, but after the last few very sleepless nights, I made the attempt.

Insomnia, my friend.

Though, perhaps, it’s not just my normal inability to sleep.

Perhaps it’s the wrenching in my stomache as whatever internal problem I have continues to fester.

Perhaps it’s my heart, speeding up… stopping.. I don’t know what the hell it is doing. Neither do the doctors, apparently.

Perhaps it is the fact that my fucking downstairs neighbor is deaf, stupid or both. It has gotten ridiculous… his music, his TV, even his talking is so loud, I cannot even hear myself think. I do not know what is worse… sitting at my desk, because it’s the loudest… or sitting in my room, because it’s the farthest and I can still hear it. It is made even worse by the fact that I make diliberate attempts to ensure my noise level is low. I’m a very ogrish person, prone to stomping and breaking things in my clumsiness if I’m not careful. But, I am careful. I don’t stomp, I don’t jump. I like to play my music loud… but I reserve that for my car or for times when I know other people aren’t around. That is what happens when you live in apartments… that is part of paying less money to live in a place. You want the luxury of playing your music loud, or turning your TV up so loud that your neighbors can’t hear their own… earn it. Fuuuuuuuuck.

Perhaps it is because I fell asleep for a few moments this afternoon as I was trying to study again. Stupid Isaac.

Perhaps it is because I cannot stop thinking about relationships. Everyone is talking to me about relationships right now. Not that I request anyone stop talking to me, but yeeeesh. It’s hard enough not being in one, but to always hear about it. And… some of the people I talk to about it…. ugh… beautiful, beautiful people in poor, poor relationships.

Perhaps it is because I cannot stop daydreaming (night dreaming ?) about my own possiblities about relationships… or my own ineptness at taking the opportunities.

Perhaps it is because the only thing I had to eat today was two cup of noodles, some cookies, a couple pieces of cheese, and some orange juice (in addition to my normal suppliment of water).

Perhaps it is because I turned in my report today without the binder it was supposed to be in because I can’t even afford a binder.

Perhaps it is because I got taken aside again and talked to at work for talking with a coworker. I won’t even go into that. Not at all. I’ll spit bloody rage. You can say everything and anything about it you’d like, but the bottom line is that I don’t work well in environments that are not as open as the one’s I manage… and I have quite the management experience. Perhaps I will not go to work tomorrow if I continue to feel as I do.

Perhaps it’s because this noise from my neigh…

Perhaps I just don’t feel well and should stop complaining.

Perhaps, I’ll just go back to bed.

Well, the first week of successful runnings of the new code and I am pretty happy. There have been some small problems, but they’ve all been of my doing (haha.. as if they aren’t -all- my doing for coding the damend thing), but they’ve all been resolved. I’ve fixed a lot of things such as you can use a new line in the comment and article entry areas, instead of using html.

Here are my next couple of plans:

- Increased flexibility in the user system (including actually being able to edit your information.. woo!)

- A better credits page

- A more flexible comment system

- And much, much more!

I’ve also heard some rumors that there have been problems with logging in. If you have had this problem, please email me at isaacs@uncouth.net.

Now, go read and submit!

Isaac.

Oh, and as an aside, I’ve been enslaved over at Conversawang to do some writing… you should go check it out.

When I was younger, I had a deep set fascination and perhaps even romance with the idea and personification of death. It did not help that I had such wonderful authors as Piers Anthony (On a Pale Horse) or Terry Pratchett (Mort, Reaper Man, etc.) to fuel my lonley fantastical desires.

As I have grown, I have become more aware of that fact that I do not wish for an eternity of silence, darkness, and my own thought, as I had so deerly pondered and imagined in early days.

I also realize that I find the idea of a personified death reather silly. Still cool, though, very cool. If you ever want to send me Grim Reaper-esque stuff, I’m always taking.

However, death has been a constant topic of mine over the last couple of weeks as another trip into Isaac’s study of religion has intensified. A lot of people, if not all people, fear death. And, I suppose rightly so.

In talking with a newly made good friend of mine, she was inquiring about some of my beliefs as an atheist. And she made the comment unsual, which is one of the reasons I so enjoy talking with her, that she thought atheists would be less likely to commit suicide.

See. I said unsual. I hope this is the case, but from my experiences, it is not. The average person I speak with believes (or professes the belief) that atheists cannot and do not appreciate life, and with a stark future staring ahead of them, suicide is much easier.

Aside from the fact that atheism is not a belief system (and to try to stereotype as such is wrong), I fit firmly with my friend’s perception better. If you think that you are going to die, a death that is permanent and unfulfilling, life means that much more. And trying to leave it is a horrid, horrid thought.

I can proudly say that I do not want to die. I want to live every single day, as happy as I can be. I embrace every facet of the beauty and fruit of reality.. because who knows when I will be without it?

Does the stark idea of my belief in death scare me? Absolutely. Does it make me less of a person, unhappy, or scared to live? No one bit. There are some nights when I think about it, and it makes me sad. Those nights, it would be good to have someone to hold on to, but my lonely bed is as empty as ever.

But, at least I’m alive to know that it is empty.