It’s just shy of midnight. I have been trying to sleep for many hours now, which is odd for me. I do not even attempt to go to sleep until around this time, if not later, but after the last few very sleepless nights, I made the attempt.
Insomnia, my friend.
Though, perhaps, it’s not just my normal inability to sleep.
Perhaps it’s the wrenching in my stomache as whatever internal problem I have continues to fester.
Perhaps it’s my heart, speeding up… stopping.. I don’t know what the hell it is doing. Neither do the doctors, apparently.
Perhaps it is the fact that my fucking downstairs neighbor is deaf, stupid or both. It has gotten ridiculous… his music, his TV, even his talking is so loud, I cannot even hear myself think. I do not know what is worse… sitting at my desk, because it’s the loudest… or sitting in my room, because it’s the farthest and I can still hear it. It is made even worse by the fact that I make diliberate attempts to ensure my noise level is low. I’m a very ogrish person, prone to stomping and breaking things in my clumsiness if I’m not careful. But, I am careful. I don’t stomp, I don’t jump. I like to play my music loud… but I reserve that for my car or for times when I know other people aren’t around. That is what happens when you live in apartments… that is part of paying less money to live in a place. You want the luxury of playing your music loud, or turning your TV up so loud that your neighbors can’t hear their own… earn it. Fuuuuuuuuck.
Perhaps it is because I fell asleep for a few moments this afternoon as I was trying to study again. Stupid Isaac.
Perhaps it is because I cannot stop thinking about relationships. Everyone is talking to me about relationships right now. Not that I request anyone stop talking to me, but yeeeesh. It’s hard enough not being in one, but to always hear about it. And… some of the people I talk to about it…. ugh… beautiful, beautiful people in poor, poor relationships.
Perhaps it is because I cannot stop daydreaming (night dreaming ?) about my own possiblities about relationships… or my own ineptness at taking the opportunities.
Perhaps it is because the only thing I had to eat today was two cup of noodles, some cookies, a couple pieces of cheese, and some orange juice (in addition to my normal suppliment of water).
Perhaps it is because I turned in my report today without the binder it was supposed to be in because I can’t even afford a binder.
Perhaps it is because I got taken aside again and talked to at work for talking with a coworker. I won’t even go into that. Not at all. I’ll spit bloody rage. You can say everything and anything about it you’d like, but the bottom line is that I don’t work well in environments that are not as open as the one’s I manage… and I have quite the management experience. Perhaps I will not go to work tomorrow if I continue to feel as I do.
Perhaps it’s because this noise from my neigh…
Perhaps I just don’t feel well and should stop complaining.
Perhaps, I’ll just go back to bed.