Uncouth PerspectivesNot on the rug, man.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this shooter in PA. This guy, whose narrative is horribly tragic, is full of unfulfilled [mythical] promises of fertility/dominance and self-defeat by failing to obtain those promises .  In his murderous act, he finds retribution against a whole class.  Being, as he sees it, rejected again and again has made this a battle with “women,” not a single person.  He finds no accountability in his own failures–this is so dangerous.

He posted his diary online and it’s an amazingly fascinating read.  Being the student of religion I am, the reason I looked at it was because I wanted to see if there was anything religious in it.  On the day of his shooting, I found this:

Maybe soon, I will see God and Jesus. At least that is what I was told. Eternal life does NOT depend on works. If it did, we will all be in hell. Christ paid for EVERY sin, so how can I or you be judged BY GOD for a sin when the penalty was ALREADY paid. People judge but that does not matter. I was reading the Bible and The Integrity of God beginning yesterday, because soon I will see them.

But that’s it, that is really the only religious entry.  Reading the entire diary, we find that he’s tried at least once before to do the shooting, but does not do it.  Is the thought of an afterlife and the forgiveness of sins what he needed to push himself to do it?  I don’t really buy it.  He says a couple of times that “religion is shit.”  I think his previous attempts–his online diary existing in the first place–were all cries for help.  He just wanted someone to love him.  Maybe he believed that God would love him, but I think we can make anything into a justification if we want to.

And feeling hurt, lonely, and deprived is the justification he used.  He, a strong, virile, white man, how could he not be without young, hot, vivacious sex action?  I said he just wanted to be loved.  No, he needed to be loved.  What he wanted was to have lots of sex and prove his worth as a man by his sexual conquests. No matter how far we have or seem to have progressed, in America we can’t seem to shake the superiority of men to women, especially sexually. Our myths support it, our rituals support it, and our ideas about love and relationships support it.

How can I say such sweeping generalizations?  Well, first, they are generalizations.  It’s true for everyone and it’s not true all of the time.  But it’s very prevalent and often under the covers, because we don’t want to talk about it.  One of the things that stood out the most for me in his diary, of all the things, is when he says:

Told by at least 100 girls/women over the years I was a “nice guy”. Not kidding.

For those of you who have never had these words spoken at you, this is the death sentence, this is the no hope for romance, this is the end of the line.  “You’re a nice guy” means “I’m not going to sleep with you and, by the way, since you’re so nice, would you mind doing this thing for me?”  This is as opposed to the mythical bad boy, the one who is hard, fast, and daring on the outside, but soft, sensitive, and caring on the inside.  Our knight in shining armor.  Our prince charming and his god damn white horse.

This kind of thinking is where I put on the brakes though.  Is it… really all about sex?  Really?  Is that all we, as progressive, advanced, rational, civilized people have at the core of our relationships with each other?  Yeah, I don’t buy that either.  Well, I believe this is how it is for a LOT of people, but I just don’t think it needs to be.  And this is where the guys like the shooter don’t understand what is going on.

Unless you want single nights of ugly, retarded sex, stay away from the girl who thinks “nice guys” are duds and the guy who think “hot chicks” are all that’s important.  You can get, have, and deserve much better.  He looked at all of these young college girls, all of these gym rats, and said “why can’t I have any of that?”  I ask–why would you want that?

I’m not going to let “society” take the blame for this.  I am pretty upset at the thinking and mythology that perpetuate not only the back-asswards relationships we seem to strive for but the kind of masculine machismo which makes it okay to walk into a place and randomly kill people for some kind of petty, symbolic retribution.  But, folks, it’s the individuals who perpetuate this thinking.  This guy was lonely, and tragic, and a gigantic fucking asshole.  He bought into idiotic cultural myths and let them control his life.  He then took his pain out on others, never accepting accountability for his actions nor, from what I can tell, ever thought of another human being, especially women, as an individual, as a person.

Don’t be this asshole and don’t perpetuate the asshole myths that made him believe he deserved to have lots of sex (and if he didn’t he was worthless).  Take some responsibility.

I have been thinking a lot about the stories we tell ourselves.

The tumultuous economy has affected many.  For a while I thought I might be untouched, but things are looking a lot more shaky than they were.  This affects me in very interesting ways.  Most of the problem is not actually my personal situation, though it is scary.  Mostly, people are just a lot more grumpy and cynical.  It wears.

Where I have been most affected is my plan to finally finish my Master’s degree in Religious Studies.  I finally got myself ramped back up to get it finished and now with pay cuts and bleak times ahead, I just can’t justify taking on the loans I now need to take on to get it finished.  I’ve paid for my school as I’ve gone along and taking on debt is just not appealing right now.

A good friend told me that I didn’t need an advanced degree to be legitimate.  While I’m not trying to get my Master’s in Religious Studies to legitimize anything–I’m doing it because I want the knowledge and the experience–it got the meat juices flowing.  Unless there is specific knowledge you are trying to get, degrees are mostly part of myth–a right of passage myth.  By going through the steps and the process, you prove you can participate in the process of advancing in society.  Note that I am not saying the degree process is false or wrong, but there is a mythical element to it.  While our educations provide foundations, it is our experience and our ability to learn from that experience that generates the bulk of our knowledge.

How many people define themselves by the degrees they have?  Or, more to what I’ve been thinking about, how many people look down at themselves because they don’t have degree X.  Or aren’t doing Y and so failure is the only thing in sight.

We all have an idea of who we are and who we want to be.  There is going to be a natural difference between who we think we are and who we are (in sum of our experiences).  It’s often too easy to overlook a bad deed or a poorly worded retort.  Let’s face it, it can be awful hard to admit “Wow, I really screwed that up and was not very nice.”  Most of us seem to learn to apologize, but I’m too aware of how many people seem to not understand there is a difference between just saying the words and meaning them.

I’m curious what happens when we let these ideas of who are or who we want to be get to mythical proportions.  It seems like it would be too easy to swing into grossly arrogant or pitifully depressed.

I know this happens to me, for example, when I think about past relationships or where I think I should be right now in my life with romance.  I always assumed that I would get married (once) and have a rich and happy partnership.  I feel like I have a lot to offer.  People around me like to be supportive and tell me what a great husband/father/potato I would make–I want to scream at them to stop saying that, because it just makes me feel worse about it all.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and how to be a good partner through the failed relationships I’ve had a long the way–and that’s also not sailing they are all failures just because they ended… but I’ve definitely had some failures.  But a lesson I am coming to see is how I struggle with myself because of the dichotomy of how I see myself versus how I really am.

But it’s not just pining about relationships.  Romance is just an easy go-to.  I think this happens with all kinds of things:  education, careers, personal achievement goals, whatever.  It’s important to have something to strive for.. and it’s incredibly important to hope.  But it’s also important to remember what those things are and not get so caught up that we forget either who we are or what we are doing.  Sometimes it’s good to just be yourself.  Sometimes it’s good to just enjoy the journey.

Ah, but the truth is, it’s always good to dream.

Editor’s Note: I wrote this back in February and guess I never posted it. I just found it and thought I’d go ahead and still post it.

So here is something I have -never- understood about dating: what’s up with all the ignorin’?

Imagine a scenario like this:

Young Jimmy is a bright, decently attractive young man. He sees Susy, a smart, decently attractive young woman. Perhaps they talk. Perhaps they are in the same class. In this day and age, maybe it is on a dating site or he reads her blog. Jimmy gets infatuated with Susy and decides to ask her out. Perhaps he calls her. Or maybe he emails her. If he calls, there is no answer, so he leaves a voice mail. With his email, he just has to wait. And he does. He waits. And waits. And Waits. And Susy never responds, clearly not interested. Or is it so clear…?

I can not decide which person is weaker: the person who would rather ignore someone who is interested or the person who is interested who cannot take the rejection. You see, I think that there is decades of cultural weight and a lot of crazy people who are to thank for this. I think that one of the reasons this happens lies somewhere between a person who either feels bad or does not want to face someone and tell them no and a person who can not handle or take the rejection.

Maybe I have a different attitude, but I would rather know someone is not attracted to me (and maybe even why) than to be ignored. I can easily take someone saying, “Hey, not interested.” I know that I’m a pretty unique person and I think that really limits who might be interested. I can even take someone saying “Hey, I don’t think you are attractive.” Yeah, it doesn’t make me want to jump up and down and celebrate, but it’s the truth and that is important. Especially because I am not Brad Pitt… hey, I’m not even Ron Perlman. But knowing is important. I’m also not one who will get angry, or weepy, or cunningly master a guilt trip.

I don’t know if I understand why people do the ignoring part, I can only guess. Most of this is, well because in my vast history of getting ignored I’ve never had a chance to find out why… because I’ve been ignored. See the vicious circle here? But enough about me. Does anyone understand this better? I mean, is it because someone doesn’t want another person to feel bad? Or because he/she cannot face turning someone down? Or is it because it is just easier? Or maybe people just get more offers than I am naively aware of and one cannot expect him/her to have the time?

So, I didn’t shave the whole weekend I played hockey and I decided to play around with growing a full beard in. Mainly I wanted to see how much grey I had.

This is a conversation I was having with my friend
about it:

Me: There’s so much freaking grey in my coming-in beard.

Friend: Better for you. get the chicks easier.

Me: Yeah, cause you know the babes, they love beards.

Friend: young chicks do because it makes you look older

Me: Can I tell you something you don’t want to hear?

Friend: sure

Me: Porn is not demonstrative of how the world works.

Enjoy the pictures, because it is not going to stay.

So I have been trolling internet dating sites trying to get an idea of what people “out there” are looking for and how they sell themselves. It has been quite an interesting adventure.

For the most part, it is what I assumed. A lot of people, men and women, have very bland, shallow, and non-descriptive profiles. “Gosh, I’m just a down to earth [gender], who takes it easy and likes to have a good time! I’m looking for someone who is honest, funny, and no drama!” Tell me, really, who is not looking for these things? To me, that is one of the things that gets me every time I read this stuff. Do you really think it’s going to make a difference or, perhaps, net someone who you really want to meet?

The impression I get that people seem to go off the idea that pictures will sell everything. At least, that is the assumption I am making off of: 1) the lack of depth to profiles and 2) my cynical view of the unwashed masses. And I am sure that people go hunting profiles based off of this. Now, do not get me wrong. Physical attraction IS important–I mean, it is not really a relationship without that. But unless you really do want to just party and/or have sex, there really should be more to it than that

Trying to play devil’s advocate, the process of selling yourself like a piece of meat online is not necessarily comfortable or easy. If you commit to the process, you have to open yourself up a little bit (and, perhaps, have an understanding of yourself). And I think there can be a lot of better matching coming from something like that process . . . but so many people seem to move the club/bar/etc hook up to this arena and I think it shows. I do not think there is anything wrong with meeting people at the bar or club… I mean, it’s one reason to go to those places and, frankly, it is fun. But, at least from my perspective, meeting the “right” person in that setting takes a shit ton of luck.

Anyways, the thing that got me down this line of thought is that as I’ve read profiles, I have noticed a lot of women have added “good hygiene” to their list of qualities in the people they would like to meet.

Really?

And not really as in “you like hygiene?!” but really as in “you have to say that?” I really have to wonder what the guys out there are doing to make this an issue. It actually makes me wonder if I’ve got something going on I do not know about. I also wonder what this means. Is this like a “how often do you brush your teeth, ugh!” or a “could you shower after the game?” I play hockey and, honestly, that’s a gross sport. You sweat like crazy and you’ve got all kinds of padding to soak it up and keep it close to home for all time. I’m sure other sports are bad, too. But, yeah, I keep my stuff clean and I shower. Often.

It just really makes me wonder . . .

Britney’s Teen Sister Jamie Lynn Spears is Pregnant!

Okay. Let’s stop for a second.

Really? This is what is important?

When this “news” broke, it was the headline on most American news outlets. I was literally beat upside the head about it and I try to avoid “entertainment” news as much as I can, but this story seemed to be inescapable (and continues to be).

So a 16 year old girl got pregnant. Weeeeird. That never happens. Oh, wait, no, that’s right: it happens ALL the time. The shock and surprise is… really amazing. What I do not understand is what the shock is really about. I mean, is it because she a star? A “role” model? She meets the cookie cutter definition of attractive? Because her sister is falling apart and it is fun to watch the house continue to burn down?

It just makes me livid that it is such a big deal when it happens to this one person (they are talking about making a show about it already!). People need to open their eyes and wake up–our kids are having kids and the way we are dealing with it is only making it grow. We have a culture that has one part of it’s foundation in selling sex and another in repressing it. Kids are smart enough to realize how stupid the repression part is, too naive to understand the commercialization of sex, and rebellious enough not to listen by the time anyone starts talking to them (perhaps talking to them as a real person, too). A very fertile mix, it turns out.

With this and other such stories, I just get so angry when something which highlights the normal state of things happens and suddenly it’s a big deal–but instead of actually dealing with the problem, there is a knee jerk reaction to dealing with it which never works and no long term thinking happens. And, of course, it is then quickly forgotten. I already can not wait to be tired of seeing stories about how to deal with teenage pregnancy, and I already can not wait to be suddenly surprised when I stop seeing the stories.

I’ve written a couple of times in the past about marriage in general and about gay marriage.  I’m going to revisit this subject.  Please give some feedback on this as I’m not here to crusade for or against… just a moral crusade for thought.

I want to remind everyone of something very important about our heated moral debates. Generally, the debates are either a farce or a waste of time. Why? Because the different sides are arguing different points… but they generally do not realize it. It is hard to debate with a person about whether abortion is right or wrong when one person believes life starts at brith and the other at conception. If you ever find yourself in a situation where the other person just DOES NOT GET IT… go back to the defitions. That is where the debate should.. and it seems to be where it never even goes.

So, what about gay marriage?

Well, guys and gals, it’s really about definition.

See, for me, marriage is just a public announcement and commitment to an already true and established relationship; relationship being defined somewhat roughly as a connection of two people on their core values.

By this rough definition, who cares what sex marries what sex?

However, if you’re definition of marriage has to do with a Protestant Christian or Catholic notion that marriage is a holy sacrament to God, or that it is an expression of the relationship to Jesus and the Church, or.. you really don’t think about it and just it evil.

Well, then, hey, damn the gay marriages!

And do not let my generalization about religion get in the way here. It is not just about religion, these religions, or anything like that. Keep in mind that is just an example.

But let us look at something even more important. One of the largest arguments against gay marriage has to do with something that there seems to be little talk about. And that is “it’s harmful to the children”. Well, implied in that argument is the assumption that marriages HAVE to be about children.

And that is what I want people to think about. IS marriage ALWAYS about the children? Would gay marriages “destroy the family as we know it”. In this age of steadily raising population, I don’t think we need to ensure that every couple on the planet get together and pump out children. Many might say that overpopulation is a myth… but if they (or you) do… ask for some harder facts.

Another response piece.  I am just tired of the taboo and unrealistic understanding of menstruation.

So, in my normal course of staying up to date with news, politics, technology, and the like, I read many different portal and such sites. I often, depending on the site and subject read the comments by users.

On this particular adventure, I was browsing through Slashdot, a news portal site primarily dedicated to technology news and, really, one of the ones that started this all.

I was reading a post on a field medical kit that can stop bleeding in two minutes. Much to my surprise, I was reading the comments on this particular issue and I suddenly found myself reading jokes about menstruation and tampons the like.

Excuse me?

Let’s get this straight right now. I’m going to give you a set of ground rules. This is it. If anyone tries to tell you different, tell them to piss off. They’re only lying to you.

1. Say the word Vagina. It’s not dirty–neither the word NOR the vagina.

2. The vagina is designed to clean itself. This is natural. See number 1.

3. Menstruation is NOT dirty. It is blood. If someone gets a cut on his/her arm, people don’t run around screaming “Ewww! How diiiiirty!” Don’t treat it different.

4. Yeah, it sucks. Let’s not make it worse–especially if you do not have to experience it.

5. Any jokes relating the above subject matter are stupid. Period.

Heh.

Now, can we stop squirming over something natural and not dirty? Can we worry about bigger issues? And can we not judge on this?

Please?

It’s time to start really living.

Many would claim that our age, the world we live in, falls to this title.  We are in a time, they cry, that is ripe with immorality and rampant sexuality.

I would like to suggest that we are merely more aware of what has always been done. It is nothing new and, if there is any truth to the title, this has been a very, very long age.

And I truly believe many people have overlooked this. We are so criss-crossed in our sexuality that no answers seem clear… but the answers are there.

The answers lie in the fact that we, as conceptual human beings, do not deal well with duty-bound ethics. We, as thinking people, do not need to be protected from ourselves. We can learn and grow.

Yet, we need to embrace this characteristic as a truth to our existence. That we can learn and grow. We can do it. We can do it from living life. We can do it from others. We can do it together.

It is this, well, individualist togetherness that I think also escapes people. There is a schism in the thinking of people, a dichotomy, that has individual desires at one end and group ethics at the other.

Is this really the case? Does this dichotomy truly exist? I do not think so. I believe they actually work in tandem. We need to work, to learn, and to grow.

Rather than to classify one specific thing as wrong, let us worry about what is behind it. Instead of setting rules that say “this is exactly what to do”, let us educate. Let’s worry about life, not about specific actions which, without intent, may or may not be immoral, in and of them self.

Wherein we can also focus on our relationships. We can focus on fulfilling desires for the sake of … this individual togetherness. It is not as simple as physical pleasure, nor a simple mental bond.

Together, in a connection of the physical and mental, we can truly become one. Not with another, but through another. And one, in and of ourself.

We can love ourselves AND others.

LIVE.

So, Kristin, Marc, and I are sitting at the club.  It was supposed to be a live jazz band, but it’s some really obscure disco and indie-rock mix being dj’d.  Kristin looks over at one of the girls she’s been eyeing all night and sees that she has friends.

“There’s three of them!  And three of us!” she cries.

Oh dear.

They both turn to me, as I’m the deciding factor.

“You get the one in the blue shirt.”

You know what is funny about that is that she had caught my eye earlier in the night when we were watching some silly people pretend to dance on the dance floor. Honestly, she was very cute, perhaps even better described as “attractive”… though, in the dark, underground club it was hard to even see my friends well.

So, they both look at me expectantly. I smile slightly, turn my head and cross my arms.

I think they both screamed.

I felt actually kind of bad. I know they really wanted to go over and talk. And I DID find the girl attractive. But just not in that environment. Not like that.

I suppose that is part of the difficulty, at least for me. Meeting people can be, at times, a difficult task. A lot of people go to meet other people at bars… but it’s just not my style. Plus, I’m not looking for a quick hook or a light style relationship. I know in this case, Marc was in because he just wanted to do it–it does take balls and there are not always times like this–and Kristin was really intoxicated. It would have been fun.

But, still, I need to stand by what and who I am.

At one point, Kristen was going to go for it anyways. She got up, turned to me and kind did a “check her out” to the girl in the blue shirt. I think one of the girls saw. Funny. Kristen then turns around and starts talking to one of them anyway. I sat, resolute.

We ended up closing the night out and the two groups went up the stairs together. Then we walked off into separate groups and talked for several minutes, I believe glancing back at each other.

Then we all went home.

I don’t know why I shared this, but.. there you go.