Uncouth PerspectivesNot on the rug, man.

Over the weekend, I came across a person who thoughts and ideas really ring true to some of my beliefs and values. This is exemplified in the recent Editor’s Note of Nervy Girl Magazine. So, I decided to write a letter… and I thought I’d share some of it:

In seeing not only your credits, the fact that you have at least one article on Good Vibrations (whom I hold in high regard), and if nothing else at all, the beauty of your writing, I felt the need to thank you. While spending many of my years as that quiet, shy boy in the back, my explosion into speaking, writing, and generally expressing myself in ways I never thought before have endowed me with a very appreciative attitude for those who can share and express as well as you do.

My background, of which I momentarily spoke of previously, includes a quite open exposure into the world of “sex”, that not-as-taboo-as-people want it to be that you are perhaps more familiar with than me. I have managed one of the best local “sex” stores. In that, I came to begin giving speeches at local colleges and universities. This has subsided with my lack of backing… the teachers and faculty tend to find it less apt when I announce myself and expert on my own terms. Ah, well. I am in talks with another company to continue doing this again. If not, I shall find a way. Speaking about sex, sexuality, relationships, anatomy, communication, and more has created a driving passion in me.

As I scanned through your work, I also came across the editor’s note for the current Nervy Girl! magazine. I was going to type something silly such as “And now allow me to comment”. But, because even if you wish me to not comment, you can simply not read it (which will not prevent me from typing it), and some speech teacher in the past said “Never say what you are about to say in a speech”, which I have a bad habit of not following, I decided not to. Well, for the most part, heh. Anyways, the comments, man, the comments!

In the rare case you are unfamiliar offhand to which I speak of, I’m going to go ahead and quote the end of it, the part in which I shall focus my attention:

“So rather than making rules and laws about who should come together, let�s spend that time and money teaching people HOW to come together. Let�s take Bush�s welfare money and spend it on classes that teach people from all walks of life how to have happier, healthier relationships. Let�s take some of the defense fund and create a World Peace Fund, so that nations may come together without war. And let�s teach by example � by nurturing positive, loving relationships with ourselves and those around us.

If we must create rules, either legal or societal, that govern coupling, then let�s create ones that will really make a difference. Let�s call for rules that end domestic violence and mental abuse, and laws that say it doesn�t matter who you couple up with as long as they bring joy to your life. But most of all, let�s call for a celebration of the couplings that lift us up, that make us better, stronger and wiser people. For it is these couplings, these connections, that allow us to create change, first in ourselves and then in the world. ”

In reading this, I think my heart skipped a beat. I was just having this conversation (which I, admittedly, have had many times) today with my friend Jennifer. Our specific talk was about forcing public libraries to block pornography on their public access computers. Now, pornography arguments aside, there are deeper issues at hands with this sentiment and with the things that you talked about.

The first issue is the answer is not in controlling people. We, as individual, conceptual human beings do not need a government or any body to protect us from ourselves. We have the ability to do that on our own. By attempting to limit people’s actions, we only expound the bad and negative influence. I am a firm believer the oppression leads to repression and repression leads to obsession.

When society begins to control instead of educate, only bad can be the outcome. The answer is not in placing more bars, placing more censorship, inhibiting more actions. The answer is in educating. Sex is not bad. Sexuality is not wrong. It is the ways in which people come to desire and oppress themselves that is bad. It is not sexuality we should bad. It is sexuality we should educate. It is not freedom we should ban. It is freedom we should educate.

And, like you said, the rules we do need to create. These needs to be rules to foster the spirit of humanity and beauty of the world. There are need to be rules that do not control, but rather promote growth.

And growth is part of why I wrote this email. Between my experience with sharing and opening people to their own sexuality, and creating and harvesting a website wherein my writing is applauded and has an apparent impact, I really savored what I stumbled across. It is people like you who continue to inspire and teach me, as I in turn think I inspire and teach others. We all have something to teach, as we all have something to learn. That is part of the beauty of all human relations. But it is even more wonderful when a person, like you, opens her or him self widely to the experience but without the need to fulfill self worth by saying “look how great I am for doing this.” The self worth is in the action, not just in the reaction.

Let’s here your thoughts…

Let’s talk about an age old favorite topic of mine… Gender stereotypes.

And so, I was listening to the radio. Rather, I should point out that I was listening to a sermon on the radio.

I still think that says something.

However, this was a sermon to a male audience. It was “man day”, I guess. And, to the bone, I was horrified at what was being said.

You see, the pastor played right into the gender stereotypes, the ones you all know I HATE, just nicely. He was talking about how all women are insecure. This is a must and, well, it has to be genetic. It came from Eve, you see.

How, is this? Well, the Bible tells us that women is the lesser vessel. And Satan, wily ole’ Satan, is looking for any crack to get in and he goes for the women… because they are weak.

According to this pastor, Men, as a part of their course in .. manhood? .. must give their wives Bible studies and such to help them. And the Men must continue to comfort and tell their wives how much they love them.

Now, genders in relationships aside, I would like to first state that in a relationships you SHOULD love the person you are with and, oh dear, actually communicate it!

Now, I know this is a foreign topic to most but, yes, it’s true. We should always communicate to our loved ones.

Now, just because this pastor has a wife and two kids he is not the self professed master of knowledge about women. Women are not insecure.

Men are not insecure.

PEOPLE are insecure!

AND… perhaps this insecurity comes from how people learn to “live” and to have their relationships, not because of their gender! Maybe we can educate and grow as people, instead of wallow in this vicious circle.

We can get out of it.. but we have to choose to get out of it. No one can save us from ourselves… well, that’s not quite true.

Each person can save his or her self.

DO IT.

So, I wus sittin’ ‘ere and I wus wunderin’ to m’self… wut is it.. right.. this ‘ere hankerin’ ta go out and get yerself in all kind trouble.. right..

A prosperous warning to those who would live their lives for others. Those decisions in which we make, we must make with the understanding that the benfitting party must always include… ourselves. To make a decision otherwise, is nothing short of inane. Yes, inane. (I must include at this moment that I am speaking my words aloud, and focusing more on saying them than writing them, so you have been warned… okay..okay.. so I like the sound of my voice. Anyways.)

Back to what I was saying. Or at least, starting to say.

I was having a conversation the other day with a good friend.. and we were talking about relationships, love, and moving. You see, many of our friends from the old days have gone. They have moved up, on, and away. And this was somewhat saddening.. but, in putting in perspective, they have moved on to what they want and this is a good thing.

One person in particular we talked about moved to Chicago to be with his fiancee’. He had met her over the internet (and, that would be something I do not disagee with, as it were, as many might) … he visited her … and then he moved there. And I had made the comment that I did not know if that had been a good decision, because he had to worry about his life and his goals and not about a relationship. And my friend said to me, “Yeah, but he’s following his dreams and is happy. You can’t dispute that.” And, truly, I can’t. My mind has been changed and I fully support it, because most of us don’t have the balls to do it.

Another time, though, I was talking with a friend who lives on the east coast. She moved away from her boyfriend to go to college. He had made the offer to move with her, but she felt that he could not and should not give up his life just to be with her. He had to pursue his goals and dreams and not forfeit those for being with her. I know it caused them a lot of difficulties, but it was a decision that, so far, looks to be correct and beneficial.

Just thoughts. Thoughts. I’ve been thinking a lot about this the last day or two.. and so I’d like to offer my thoughts. You have to know yourself. You have to understand your dreams and your goals. And you have to reach for them. Also, though, there are times when you meet people who will help you with your dreams and your goals.. people worth being with. People who you never dreamed you could feel so close with.

If you are put in a position to make a decision to move afar to be with someone… make sure it is for the right reasons. Make sure you want it. Make sure you are ready. You need to think about your future. Don’t give up who you are and who you want to be, just to be with someone. If the move is going to sacrifice plans for your future, it is not worth it. However, if you can get your future and someone to share with it, do it. Do it now.

Tonight, my friend said to me:

“I have broken three hearts in the last couple of weeks…”

I really want to look at this. I also really want to briefly give you a glimpse into my views on love and relationships.

So, my first argument is that to have a “broken heart,” you must love. The term broken heart, to me, refers to someone who really loves someone and is denied in some way by an action outside their volitional control. I.e. I would not have a broken heart if my actions were the direct and immediate cause of losing that love. A broken heart is not gained from a frivolous encounter(s) and it is not the feeling of rejection. Sorry, the feeling of rejection is simply the feeling of rejection. Call it by the right name.

Love, however, is not frivolous. It is not simple. It is not quick and immediate. I am going quote Ayn Rand for a good definition of love:

“I am referring here to romantic love, in the serious meaning of that term–as distinguished from the superficial infatuations of those whose sense of life is devoid of any consistent values, i.e., of any lasting emotions other than fear. Love is a response to values. It is with a person’s sense of life that one falls in love–with that essential sum, that fundamental stand or way of facing existence, which is the essence of a personality. One falls in love with the embodiment of the values that formed a person’s character, which are reflected in his widest goals or smallest gestures, which create the style of his soul–the individual style of a unique, unrepeatable, irreplaceable consciousness. It is one’s own basic values in the person of another. It is not a matter of professed convictions (though these are not irrelevant); it is a matter of much more profound, conscious, and subconscious harmony.”
(Ayn Rand, Romantic Manifesto pg 40)

If you are in a situation where there must be a choice of who to love, then I must refer to another quote:

“The most exclusive form–romantive love–is not an issue of competition. If two men are in love with the same woman, what she feels for either of them is not determined by what she feels for the other and is not taken away from him. If she chooses one of them, the “loser” could not have had what the “winner” has earned.”
(Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness pg 65)

And so, why the initial quote bothers me is the way people go about their relationships and they way the feel bad (or get mad at themselves) for other people in an unjustified manner. In the situation I’m specifically talking about, there is no way it could be romantic love. It could be lust, it could be beginning desire, but there is no way an actual heart was broken. To feel pity and sorrow for what has happened is to not appreciate life to it’s fullest, especially your own. If they are hurt and depressed, it is due to rejection, or perhaps even worse, because they could not get the object they so lustfully desired after. In the end, look at what is really going on? Just because you were a catalyst for their emotions, are you going to give up yourself for someone else, even in the act of pity? Feel sorrow and pity for those who deserve it, not because someone is experiencing irrational “love” divorced from any true values. Among people who “love” in this manner, there is really very little meaning to anything they feel.

And, since this has been a quote filled sessions, let me leave you with a famous line from The Fountainhead:

“To say “I love you” one must know first how to say the ‘I.’”

Hugging. Touching. Snuggling. Feeling. There are very few physical pleasures which can be more rewarding or satisfying.

It is sad for me to think that there a number of people who cannot enjoy it the way I do. In every little gesture, it can be present. In every true friend relationship it can be there. Have you ever sat with a dear friend at a close range for hours and talked? Nothing but just sat close and enjoyed the presence of another person? It is truly an amazing thing.

It can be more powerful than any sexual intercourse type act. Sex is a byproduct of a mental relationship. Sex is the physical gesture and affirmation of love. And so is kissing. And so is hugging. And so is touching. We need touch. We love touch.

I need touch. I love touch.

Back to that sex thing. People use sex as a way to make up for the lack of a mental relationship or closeness instead of looking at it like it really is–something the is not only beautiful and majestic, but something to physically enact the mental relationship. That’s why we call it love making. And it is not as important or as powerful as true hug. A true foot massage. A true snuggle and falling asleep. I think there is nothing I like more with a partner (or friend/etc) than to fall asleep together… or maybe waking up together.

Your family, your friends, your lovers all need your touch. And you need theirs. Enjoy who they are, the person, the beliefs and values. And enjoy their presence. Rub each other’s backs. Hold hands. Just sit close and talk. Fall asleep together.

In all of your relationships, whatever you do, never let go.

Be honest.  Say what you feel.  Do not hold back.

Never open. Never true. Never feeling.

When are we going to stop? Why is this even necessary?

Stop.

Let’s start over.

How about a compliment? How about trying to say what you really mean?

“You know, that really doesn’t suit you.”

“You are a really good person…”

“I’m really infatuated with you.”

But, alas, no. We fail to tell the people who we care about the most what we really feel. Or for that matter, people we hardly know. I was talking with Seana again last night. We were talking about friendship and how a true friend will tell you when some type of clothing does not look good on you. And vice versa.

And never a compliment for people. We expect good and anticipate the worst. Unless something is fantastic, we never say so. If something is good, or even great, we just go “oh, okay, that is how it is supposed to be.” Not a “hey, that’s really cool” or “good job!” or “you look great.”

And, forget talking about relationships. So many people get infatuated (and let’s call it what it really is…not love or whatever) with a lot of people, but never say anything. They sit, paralyzed in fear, suspense, self hate, or even bound by rules, and never say anything. They sit and seethe with animosity towards themselves and others… and are never happy. What about fear of rejection you ask me? Perhaps if you are infatuated with the wrong people, you need rejection. It might just put you on the right path.

It all comes down to a couple of things I harp about. You have to have self worth to be able to truly appreciate other people and what they have to offer.

You have to be able to communicate. Say what you want and maybe you will get it.

Today I was discussing validation with a new friend.

I was talking with her about how people do not validate each other enough. And how they do not validate themselves. I got into how women tend to be viewed negatively and how they view themselves as bad. They view their bodies as bad. And how wrong this is. When had just reached the topic of menstruation and how it is NOT a bad thing (if it wasn’t natural, if your body was not meant to do it… guess what? It wouldn’t!) and this guy turned to us and said:

“My philosophy is this–if it bleeds for more than two days and lives, I don’t trust it.”

Needless to say, I bristle at this comment (when does something not get my blood flowing?). First, I think I must sum it all up with a retort later made by Jeff,

“You mean like Christ?”

Yup. We are going to burn in hell for that one.

Anyways, yes this upsets me! What does bleeding (Or more importantly, the natural process’ of the vagina and body) have to do with TRUST?! Nothing. And, hey, guess what, we all do bleed. It is just blood. It is just, oh, natural. When will people get off the loathing couch and start to love themselves?

Hey, women, I am very glad to say that your vagina does not make you bad. It also does not make you dirty. It actually is quite a beautiful thing, just as the penis is. Just as the thumb is. Just as the brain is. Just as humans, life, whatever, is! Do not hold yourself or anyone down for something that is wonderful!

In fact, run as fast and furious with it as you can.